Holding on to heaven
by silverkite
Summary: in which Randy self flagellates over jay too much M/M


Warning: m/m

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Holding on to Heaven

He's staring at the dust particles- seated on the stool in a barely filled bar, hunched over his shot of something strong enough to burn his throat. His hand gripping the glass tightly, barely hearing the sung lyrics of some obscure song as he wades through thoughts of blue eyes and he is filled with self disgust and throws back the shot expertly and calls the bartend for another round.

It doesn't go away- the thoughts.

They're there. Even as he loses count of how many he's drunk. The knowledge of it evokes a strong feeling of self loathing and he continues to glower at the air.

"you could just apologise you know"

Randy doesn't even move as Cena claps a hand to his shoulder. He's too busy self flagellating to be distracted.

"oh god, now you're starting your emo streak? I thought you were past that" Cena joked, hopping up the stool next to randy's and calling for a glass of beer.

"it's not funny Cena." randy growled lowly. Giving a glare out of the corner of his eye and looked down at his glass- the Amber liquid ineffective, he ordered something stronger.

"look man I dunno what you want me to say-"

"then don't say anything" randy snapped irritably.

"whoa dude, I'm just here to make sure you don't kill yourself-"

"I wouldn't be sitting here if I were planning anything now would I?" randy answered dourly

"there are loads of ways to off yourself and I'm sure you'll think of something." Cena postulated, sipping his beer, "want to talk?"

Randy shook his head, continuing to stare at the liquid in his glass- hoping to erase the colour haunting his memories. He would much rather forget.

"look man, you guys have been married, what? Half a year? Jays a nice guy- he'll-"

"you weren't there" orton said quietly

"what did you do randy?" Cena asked slowly, realising the severity of the situation- randy rarely ever talked like that unless he did something really really bad.

Randy ran a hand down his face, glimpsing the wedding band on his finger- it seemed dulled, he closed his eyes and pressed the glass to his forehead- wanting to reverse time.

"I-" it was stupid, he couldn't even remember what they'd been arguing about- just those blue eyes- wide-

"he's afraid of me." randy said with an exhausted sigh- his heart seeming to bunch up and beat stiffly in his chest at the admission

"what did you do?" Cena repeated warily, placing the beer back on the bar top.

"I... I- " randy swallowed and looked at Cena- "I almost hit him."

"what? Jesus- randy- wow- uh" Cena ran a hand over his scalp and let out a breath, "well, you didn't- so that's something?"

"no- you don't understand- he's afraid- he's..." drifting back to that memory he closed his eyes, looked more pained as though he'd been the one injured- "his eyes- I can't- it's not-"

Cena nodded and put a reassuring hand on randy's shoulder, "geez man, what happened?"

Randy shook his head, "I can't even remember anymore- it's just- the way he looked at me-" he'd never seen Jay scared or afraid- even during in-ring segments- Jay always laughed or smiled at the thought of danger- would even daringly crack a wide smile during one of Adam's black moods- randy sighed heavily and downed another shot.

"you said ALMOST right? You didn't really hit the guy did you?"

Randy paused, and shook his head, "what if I do next time? What if I lose it and I really do hit him?"

"you won't." Cena affirmed confidently,

"how do you know?"

"I know you- Jay knows you. You didn't the first time. There's no way you'd do it a second time"

"that's not exactly reassuring."

"well too bad I'm the best you got."

"what should I do?" randy asked, looking at Cena again and John couldn't help thinking that sometimes randy was too much of an idiot for his own good.

"get down on your freakin knees and beg for his forgiveness?" Cena suggested

"what if he won't talk to me?"

"dude it's Jay! man, he's your husband or wife or whatever- he's gonna love your ugly mug no matter what"

Randy bit his lip and stared at the refilled glass, "I-"

"seriously- we know him- he's probably more freaked out about you going AWOL for a week than whatever bitch slap you tried to dole out."

Randy remained silent, thinking over cena's words of wisdom, "I should... I should call..."

"well good to know your neurones haven't been obliterated by the alcohol binge."

Randy stood up and dropped some cash on the counter before heading out- Cena followed after him

"I need to go back" he muttered almost obsessively as he unlocked his car door

"Are you shitting me? You're drunk- randy! Hey!" Cena tried to grab the keys from the ignition but orton stomped on the gas pedal and Cena jumped back before he lost his toes, "Jesus," he quickly phoned Jay.

The voice on the phone redirects him to voicemail and randy takes a few breaths- deciding that Jay is probably asleep and settles for leaving a message- hastily composed in his head as he manoeuvres the truck through the dimly lit highway;

"Jay- I-" it's so much easier in his head but he plods on- he knows what's at stake- doesn't want it to end- all of it- "Jay I'm sorry"

Then as if the apology was all it took- the words- the feelings- everything poured out - he wasn't even sure what he was saying anymore- he hadn't rehearsed it- the finale, before he ended the call-

"Jay I love you"

He ended the call, glancing down at the phone, hand on the wheel, he hoped to god Jay would get the message. The one beyond the words.

He looked up again only to be blinded by too bright lights- and suddenly he couldn't feel anything anymore.

He was crying- couldn't even stand or have the strength to answer questions the admitting section wanted answers to- Jay just stood there- stock still- amidst the white terra tiles and fluorescent lights- men and women- doctors and nurses rushed and dashed about, grabbing stethoscopes, tubes- IV's- several monitors bleeped pitchedly- the air stank of smoke and singed flesh- with the coppery tinge of blood staining several tiles- it was suddenly hard to breathe

"Jay" Adam gently steered his friend out of the emergency room- "Jay shh... Easy..." he wiped the tears away- they kept coming back with a vengeance.

"adam..." his voice sounded small and confused and Adam's heart clenched as jays hand gripped his sleeve- a remnant of childhood- "is he-"

"shhh Jay, no- no he's alright." Adam lied, pulling Jay to a hug he didn't return- instead opted to lay there in Adam's arms completely still it was disconcerting.

"is... Is it my fault?"

"it's no ones fault Jay..." Adam replied, patting the short hair consolingly.

"where is he?"

"he's... The doctors are still working on him."

"can I see him?"

"maybe later..." Adam carefully tucked Jay against his own body, "later..."

Cody looked at orton, bloodied and covered in soot- a dozen IVs dangling like crystal beside his bed, tubes out his nose- a tube hooked to a ventilator pumping air into his lungs- it was painful to watch- that man there wasn't the randy orton he knew.

"it's not him"

Ted put an arm over cody's shoulders, "Cody..."

"no, that's not randy." Rhodes said sharply, shaking his head , "it's not..."

"well... Not yet- in that state he's not- but he'll get better." ted said softly, it was hard on all of them- Jay especially- he hadn't said a word and Adam refused to let anyone pry him for anything- baring teeth like some rabid animal when anyone dared.

"he'll get better right?" Cody asked, looking to ted

And even if he had no idea what the prognosis was, Ted nodded, "he will. He wouldn't be randy orton if he didn't. He's tough codes. He'll pull through."

Cody nodded, looking at orton, "you'll pull through. You have to."

Adam is called for the prognosis- he's taken the responsibility off jays shoulders- away from Cody who seemed to be in denial- away from Cena who was eaten with guilt- away from Jay who was devastated than all of them combined- Adam had to be strong- he swore he would be.

"mr. Copeland?" one of the doctors stood up, shaking Adam's hand- Adam managed a tired half nod, "we've discussed the prognosis and- it's good"

Adam swallowed, "what dyou mean?"

"well, considering the crash could've easily severed his skull from his spine- it didn't- only some swelling to the brain which is why he's in a coma- cases such as these usually have the client awake in one or two weeks."

Adam breathed a sigh of relief and ran a hand through his unkempt hair, "it's a goddamned miracle"

"you got that right-" the physician nodded, "whatever happened, the other driver got the worse of it- aside from the broken bones, mr. Orton will definitely walk out from this hospital."

"wh-what about the tubes? The - the one down his throat?"

The doctors looked at each other, "it's another thing we wanted to discuss with you- the crash caused his brain to swell abnormally- to a degree that the control centre for breathing has been choked off and ceased to function- we would like to request emergency surgery to taper the swelling before any part of the brain shuts off permanently"

"but I thought the prognosis was good?"

"it is- this surgery will ensure that by a thousand percent more."

"so you want to drill into that guys head?"

"it would relieve the pressure."

"do it." Adam nodded, "if that's what it takes, do it."

"we would need the consent of close kin- family-"

"right now I'm acting on behalf of the family" Adam snapped, daring the man to say anything else. "give me the papers." he scrawled his signature on the line and as he handed the clipboard back, looked at each and every face there and said, "you swear on your goddamn heads that orton will walk out alive?"

"yes."

"good. Any less than that and I'm suing every single one out of your licenses."

Jays in the hospital room they'd paid to accommodate randy, there are several duffel bags at the corner, hastily packed and dropped by Adam- they'd barely said a word to each other when Adam had to go out again and Jay was stuck there with horrible thoughts and nightmares about randy. he hasn't slept, hasn't eaten yet- doesn't feel like doing anything remotely related to living. He can't. He can't think about breakfast when he knows it's another day without randy. He absentmindedly fiddles with his phone before decidedly turns it on- hospitals tended to have bad reception- the screen glows before it blinks and read he has voicemail. He nearly drops the phone in shock

It's from randy.

His heart beats painfully in his chest, and he looks at his screen again, it's still there- it's not a dream- with trembling hands he unlocks the phone and shakily brings it to his ear

"Jay, I... Jay I'm sorry..." his chest tightens and he feels tears drip down his cheeks again, "I... It was stupid- I- I was stupid- I'm sorry- I didn't mean for any of that, I never want it to happen again- god you have no idea how much I've thought of you- how often- and I can't- I just can't let something like what we have end over something I did- I swear if ever I raise my hand to you again- I'd take a bullet to my head first- because I can't- I don't want to hurt you- you mean too much for me to lose Jay. Please, forgive me... I don't want to think of life without you"

"Jay, I love you."

He can't help the soft sob that leaves his lips and he closes his eyes and listens to the message again,

"Jay I love you."

It's an agonising wait- Adam pacing the hallway with Cena trying to bite through his thumb in anxiety, Cody is bouncing his leg and ted his repetitively tinkering with his phone, heads snap to the sound of footsteps and Adam is shocked to see Jay there- looking like a mess, shakily headed over to them- he looks like a ghost and Adam rushes to his side before he can collapse

"Jay- Jay, what are you doing- Jay?" Adam leads Jay to the benches and Cena grabs a can of coffee for him- Adam brushes his hand through short blonde hair worriedly- Jay is shaking badly and Adam has to hold him close, "Jay... Jay..."

"Adam-" he can't- he's cryin now, "Adam I can't lose him."

Adam holds Jay again, strokes his quivering back, "you won't."

"he'll pull through Jay, he's the apex predator" Cena says with a small smile

"he won't leave you" ted says, "he loves you too much."

"friend's and family of randy orton?" a doctor asks, walkin out of the surgical theatre, dressed in scrubs

Adam nods to Jay, "we're all here"

"good news, he pulled through."

Jay doesn't hear anymore- it's alright- everything was going to be okay. Randy was going to be okay.

He's lost count of the days he's been here in the hospital- kept in the same room as randy- admitted due to malnutrition and anaemia among other things- the IV line to his hand is beginning to itch and he resists the urge to scratch at it- Jay pushes himself up- Adam's beside him almost immediately,

"easy Jay"

"is... Is randy awake?" Adam knows the question- it's been almost two weeks- the answer never changes

"no Jay... Not yet" it gets harder and harder to answer Every time- to see that face fall- eyes filled with tears- Adam feels like an asshole but he can't lie this time because orton hasn't even stirred. He can't fake that.

Jay slumps back onto the bed, turns to his side to look at his other half- more machine than human from the dozens of wires and tubes exuding from the comatose body

"here- eat something," Adam offers, hands Jay some food from the dietary department- Jay barely acknowledges it and blue eyes close again- heading back to dreams- trying to escape the reality.

Adam sighs as Jay drifts to sleep- he moves to check on randy- the vitals are normal- the blip of the heart monitor indicates stability- everything was alright- except randy wasn't waking.

"you're a dick you know that?" Adam scolds halfheartedly, "open your damn eyes- move your hands- something! Because if you don't- by god orton if you don't..." he takes a shaky breath, "Jay is going to die too." he closes his eyes tiredly, the past weeks culminating- nearly breaking his spirit, "and you and I- we can't lose Jay... So please- please..." his voice cracks as he begs, "do something... You're the only one that can save him."

Visiting hours close and Adam gives one last glance at his friends, hopes that they still hold on for one more day and exits the hospital, eyes red and swollen from exhaustion and sorrow.

It happens during the graveyard shift, the nurses are shocked awake by the screeching of the heart monitor from the reso-orton suite- they rush the emergency cart to the room, expecting to resuscitate at least one or the other- when they're surprised by orton- sitting up and yanking out the tube he's been using to breathe with and throwing up milky greenish bile- pulling off the feeding tube and IV lines with a determination compared to the terminator- and the nurses are confused, rush to help the patient- secure him to the bed- one phones the resident and reports the sudden miracle- one of the doctors thinks the body is going through the motions- combative- but changes his mind when randy orton swings his legs to the side of the bed and prepares to walk-

"mr orton!" several orderlies grab the man before he injures himself- and they get a taste of why he is called the Apex predator- moving like a well oiled machine- not like a newly wakened comatose patient- orton easily throws off the aides- falls to one knee from the effort but struggles to get up again- the doctors order a sedative- something the nurses are reluctant to give- they know the story between the two and prolong the order as much as they can, silently cheering for orton as he props himself up against jays bed-

It's as if he's waking from a long dream- sees Jay there- thinner- smaller than how he remembers- he brushes a calloused hand against a pale cheek

"I'm here." he rasps, throat raw and painful from the breathing tube, "i'll always be here"

Blue eyes flutter open and randy's heart soars- soft smile greets him, "you came back"

It hurts to hear that voice- weak from hunger and disuse- but it's like music- a balm- and randy knows everything will be alright. He nods- feeling euphoric.

"I got your message" Jay whispers, "I forgive you"

He sounds so faraway that randy can't stand it, clasps a cold hand and kisses it "thank you."

"... And I love you too, Randy."

His gut feels dread when Jay closes his eyes- but the steady beeping of the monitor tells him it's alright and randy allows himself to fall on his knees- the strength he'd previously gained drained from his body and passively allows the nurses to help him back to the bed- no he doesn't want the feeding tube- no he feels fine- yes he would like to be beside Jay. He's placed as close to his partner as possible- enough to hold jays hand tight in his own- he doesn't sleep, content to watch over Jay until daybreak- eagerly awaits to see blue eyes once more- filled only with love.

Cena is taking over for Adam- offered to- the man had been going through hell and Cena wanted him to rest- he's smuggled two burgers and fries in his duffel in case Jay didn't like the hospital crap they called food- he greets the nurses and they seem happier than before, one of them even congratulates him which leaves him pleasantly confused- it's when he reaches for the doorknob that he hears it- laughter- soft but audible- two voices, lost- now intermingled as one- he nearly drops his bag as he opens the door- his jaw drops, randy is sitting beside Jay- both pressed together as humanly possible, their bodies accommodating the other like a jigsaw puzzle piece- they're talking, they stop and look at Cena and Jay waves him over- Cena walks toward them in awe, mouth still open Jay has to remind him to close it else he'll catch flies

"but- but- but how?" he stammers, looking from one to the other- had randy's arm not been in a cast, had his torso not been bound with elastic bandages- Cena would have sworn he'd not met that dreaded accident. Jay still looked like hell- bone thin, edges jutting out like nails- ribs so evident one could practically strum them- the doctors having prescribed for him a light diet until his body could stand the strain of solids- both were arguing over a bowl of sloppy oatmeal.

"it doesn't look like oatmeal!" Jay protested

"I don't care- eat something or I will make you" randy threatens lightly, presses a kiss to jays frowning brow, "please."

Cena decides not to continue his prodding- it could be saved for later. "I've got two burgers with your names on it- tell me you want em"

"I'll trade you the oatmeal for it!" Jay volunteers

"don't you dare Cena- I'll trade you your life and ass in one piece if you don't"

"eh... Sorry Jay, life trumps oats any day" Cena proceeds to make calls- dials Adam's number first and the man cannot get there fast enough before he's bursting into the room as unkempt as Jay and hugging his best friend tightly randy feared he might break some bones- and Adam is crying and cursing Jay and randy- and that's alright- because it's Adam and it's how he is. Pretty soon the rosters are there and Adam has to contend with the hundreds of get well soon gift baskets- and compared to worrying over his best friend's, Adam thinks it's a promotion as he watches randy hold Jay tenderly and press a kiss to dry lips.

"I don't know... " randy says, months later, when he is recovered and taking on championship matches again, Cena asks him the question, "I guess... I just couldn't forgive myself if I left Jay."

"that's what I call whipped" ted laughs

"definitely" Cody agrees

Randy grins at them all, "fuck off- not everybody can say they came back from death all for love"

"oh man- cheesy!" ted groaned, making barfing faces

Jay pokes his head in with a grin, "hey! What's up?"

Cena shrugs innocently, "oh you know, the usual..."

Randy shoves Cena playfully and greets Jay with a kiss- to which ted wolf calls and Cena makes retching noises at- Cody sighs at his friends' immaturity.

"um..." Jay frowns curiously at the kiss, but smiles, "ready to go?"

"with you? Always." randy presses another kiss to jays lips. Looks into blue eyes reflecting his own image- and he knows- they both need no words- they see it in everything the other does- love- endless boundless love- randy's heart fills with it as he looks into those blue eyes- and he knows- randy knows why he woke up that night.

"what were you talking about?" Jay asks, closing the trunk of their car

Randy paused thoughtfully, sees the ring glinting off Jay's finger, "why I woke up."

"Adam said it's because he threatened to castrate you."

Randy smiles, typical Adam. "maybe. That and..." he pulls Jay close again, feels the warmth his significant other gives off and closes his eyes, feeling the life they both have- listening to the simultaneous beat of two hearts as one, "you said you love me- and that was all it took."

he didn't want this to end.

Jay smiled, cheeks tinged pink in embarrassment, "I'll always love you." he admitted

"I'll love you forever too." randy promised, kissing Jay gently- intertwining their fingers- the sun reflecting off the wedding band- holding on to heaven as they held on to each other- and it was perfect.

A/N: thank you for reading and/or commenting, I'm happy you're all happy :)


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